You never trusted anyone (2)

You say you want trust, but what you really want is security. Trust can only exist where there is uncertainty, but security is the demand to remove uncertainty. If there is certainty, there's no need of trust. And if trust cannot be there in times of uncertainty, then what is trust? When you ask for guarantees, you are not trusting, you are trying to control life so you can relax and feel secure. What you say is, “I will trust you if you keep proving you are safe for me.” To put it another way, you are basically saying that you will only love someone as long as that person is making you feel good, comfortable, secured, safe, and nice. You will love only till the times are good, and when times are bad, rough, hard, and tough, you will stop loving?

One says to another, as long as you make me certain, I will trust you. Can you see the futility of this?  If someone is giving you guarantee and certainty, what value is of your trust? Trust becomes a very silly thing when there is certainty, doesn't it? But this is how our every relationship are. They are based on returns and profits. They are all conditional. Your actions and relationships are bound by obvious or subtly hidden motives. Without reason, without motive, you don't even lift a finger.

You parade around like you really trusted someone and got cheated. But you never trusted anyone at all. What you felt was security, and it later turned into insecurity. Trust is not something that can be broken; it is security that breaks and turns into insecurity. Security breaks because it is based on external world, on circumstances, on people, and my dears, these are in constant flux.

How can you hold onto the flowing water from the river? How can you catch the wind with your palms? Your relationships and actions are circumstantial. They are merely reactions to the circumstances. Trust doesn't comes from external world, but from inward, if it ever comes at all. Flux cannot provide you security, permanence, and stability. Life is a flux, it is uncertain, and impermanent. And trust is the quality of accepting this, this what is inevitable, irrefutable, and irresistible. 

Your relationships, being circumstantial, you have no ownership or personalization on them. You are a monkey that dances on the tunes of others. You derive things from external world to fill your own emptiness. You turn to music, writing, reading, relationships, entertainment, this and that all to escape from your inevitable emptiness, to fill which cannot be filled.

You try to catch the wind with your palms and cry when it slips away. This is our life. People come as wind, you try to catch it with your palms, and it slips away. You were so focused on trying to catch the wind, to own it, that you never ever enjoyed it. You never felt that moment when the wind was passing by. You never smelled the fresh, the mesmerizing scent of it. You never listened to the soothing sound of it. You never felt the sensations it brought to your body. And when it goes, what happens? You are left with sorrow and pity.

Isn't this what happens? When people go, what are you left with? Do you feel full, grateful, happy, peaceful, or content? Or you mourn over the loss? You were with that person for many moments, and now you are mourning over the loss. You never enjoyed those moments fully and now you are mourning. You were focused on catching those moment that you forgot to be in those moments, to feel those moments. If you keep living this way, same will happen when you are dying. You may have lived decades, but in the last moments, all you will be left with is your emptiness that you always kept escaping from. You will have no contentment, no gratefulness, no peace, or happiness. Just like you mourn or are afraid of losing people, things, same will be in your last moments if you keep living this way.

When a person truly stays in the moment, feel it with his existence, just one moment is enough. But even after people have stayed months, or years, or even decades with you, you are left with sorrow when they go, or fear when you are together. Dears, verbally you may say I am grateful, I am unafraid, I am ready to lose, or so and so, better watch it very carefully. Most of the times it is just a mask. You cannot will it, think it, or practice it. I am thinking, I am writing, speaking here because I am not it.

The art of being in the moment, feeling the wind fully without trying to catch it, is love. And this is trust as well. Love and trust are not two things; they are just one, expressed differently. Both trust and love means, go hug the impermanence, the uncertain, and the insecure. But you turned trust into certainty, and love into permanence. And why do you seek certainty, permanence, and security? Because you are afraid to face them. And you use people and things to escape from it. 

Without love or trust, you cannot have relationship with any living things. You cannot hold onto the flowing water from the river, or catch the wind with you palms. You have to flow with the river, drift with the wind, meet them with the same intensity, same level, at the same time. You have to hug their instability, uncertainty, and impermanence. What you have relationship with right now are dead things, the ideals, the memories, the past, the desires, and the projections.

You never met anyone. What you meet is your own ideas, own images, and projections. How can you meet someone if you are self-centered, if you are surrounded by walls all around you? What are those walls? Those walls are you insecurities, your wounds, your fears, and so on. Those walls are assumed to protect you from hurts and suffering but it doesn’t not. Unless the walls are broken, you cannot meet someone.

How can a blind meet the light? Or a deaf meet the sound? You are a blind and deaf. All you see and hear is you yourself. You are just self-centered. Unless this wall of self-centeredness is broken, neither can you see, nor can you hear, or ever meet someone. Unless you meet, you cannot have a relationship with the living. Yes you can have it with the dead but not with the living. And it is because you have relationship with the dead that when you lose them really, now you are left with sorrow. If you ever had relationship with the living, you would be full of life, full of joy, and contentment.

These words, these ideas, they are all just the same thing. Call it love, trust, enlightenment, healing, freedom, or whatever, they are just the same thing. These words and ideas will only give you intellectual entertainment. I am writing this to escape from my own emptiness. Till on its own, the fear doesn't ends, we are like dogs chasing its own tail. We neither can have trust, nor have love. We are the same escaper.